Autism

I wrote this in May...following an IEP meeting for Squeakers...

Every once in a while, in the life a mother, you have a moment when you realize you’re a mother. You are no longer just yourself – you are completely bound to another spirit that then changes you – and it’s in those “mother moments” that you recognize that change in yourself…the better you. I had such a moment this week. On Tuesday, I went to the boys’ school to go over their IEP – or “educational plan” for the next year. I don’t come to these meetings naïvely, and I expected to ask a lot of questions and to have input on their goals for the next year. We reviewed the IEP for Blurbles and Lil' N, and I wasn’t too surprised over anything we discussed. I felt comfortable that I would know what to expect with Squeakers. I have spent a lot of time with Squeakersthis year – with him personally, and many hours in private – praying and studying to know what he needed. I have spent hours talking about him with my Aunt (who specializes in autism spectrum disorders), TPM, my mom, our former speech therapist, his current teacher,his primary leaders, and many others. I had already set up appointments with the appropriate people. I felt like I had a handle on my little boy. We began the IEP by talking about the Physical Therapist’s evaluation with Squeakers. She began to talk about Squeakers' running (with his hands out), his occasional walking on his toes, and his difficulty with jumping. She explained that she was surprised that he was able to ride a tricycle so well – and that it wasn’t consistent with her findings. I thought back to three months ago, when TPM brought home a used tricycle, and Squeakers got on it that day and worked and worked and worked to ride that tricycle. He’s been practicing every day since – sometimes for more than 30 minutes to ride the tricycle well. We talked about the difficulty he has with sitting still, and I was confused as to why we would be talking about that as a PT issue. Wasn’t that just Squeakers being squirrelly? Apparently, it’s not. It’s a sensory processing issue – the reason why he has to land to hard on his feet when he’s running, and why he needs to ruin each crayon he uses to color with – he can’t feel where he’s at – and can’t judge what he’s doing – unless it’s done with pressure. Sitting is devoid of the pressure he needs to know where he is. I began to feel myself entering that “mother moment” – I no longer knew whom I was, because I realized I no longer knew my son. The physical therapist suggested that we use a “weighted blanket” or a “bear hug” when he walks anywhere with his class – to give him the added pressure he needed to feel where he was at – it would help him from veering off. I then asked the teacher, “And you use this with children that…?” And, she answered, “that have autism.” I can tell you that this came as no surprise. Most people know that I have suspected this for a very long time. But, in that moment – hearing the words out of someone’s mouth other than my own – from someone who would know – my world changed. My role as a mother changed. It’s like walking into your neighbor’s house with your same floor plan – and seeing a different house, with different furniture, different paint – and noticing all the details of your own house that you’ve missed all this time. I thought I knew Squeakers' struggles, and I thought I knew how to help him we’ve had such a successful year with him this year. I’ve implemented every suggestion given to me, and I have felt abundantly blessed by the Spirit in knowing how to help him. But, in that moment, I knew I must do better. There were details I missed. I determined to know more, to understand better, to know my little boy completely. I realized that in all our little successes, he still didn’t have the weight or security around him to help him know where he was. His amazing little mind was still unsure about the direction he was going and where he was ending up. In that “mother moment” – I realized that Heavenly Father gives us these little spirits to challenge ourselves to know them – completely, and thereby knowing ourselves more completely. I was unsettled on Tuesday – shed a few tears – and then woke up on Wednesday determined to know what he needed, because 4 years ago – I stopped being myself and became the weighted blanket for Squeakers through this world, and more specifically, through his mind. He would do just fine, as long as I was listening to the Spirit, to know where to take him. Eventually, he would know his mind so well, he will take himself – and feel safety in the journey.